Rage of Fire
by Amara the Warrior
Summary: Selphie changed since the war. Now she's gloomy and depressed. Rinoa wants to help her feel better, but their friendship is stretched thin. The illness changed everything.


_Note: This is dedicated to my sister's mom Suzie who struggles with bad depression. This is also dedicated to my mother who has horrible depression. Because having depression doesn't make you weak and it's just a disorder of the brain._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII._

_Note: Selphie may be a bit out of character. This is only because I wanted to make her struggle with depression so other people would see what it was like. _

_**Seek him and he'll be there, ask for help and he'll find you…**_

I was in the bed room, again. I seemed to spend most of my days in there. I had no desire to go outside or anything. I was just bereft of all will. I was the happiest girl before the black hole sucked me up. Now…..I was the saddest girl in the world.

How did this happen?

How did I get like this?

The bedroom was my sanctity; it was also a place where I hid my secret shame. My secret shame was that I was mentally ill. I was depressed and I was afraid to tell anyone. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, people would think I was weak for being depressed. It wasn't my fault. I wasn't weak…I was sick and it wasn't my fault.

_**Be a good person and try to teach other people to be like you….**_

It was raining; it had been raining for a long time. Every day was a rainy day for me. I always felt so gloomy and depressed. People were calling me negative and everything. I wasn't really a negative person. I was actually really happy-go-lucky. I made people laugh and I was really caring person.

This depression sucked all the life out of me. I hated it so much. And I hated how everyone saw me…like I was some kind of freak.

Depression wasn't a weakness; it just was a problem with the brain.

The water ran like my tears. I wanted to fight so badly.

_**If you hide who you really are, you'll never be happy. But if you are honest about whom you are, then you'll be at peace.**_

I was tired and worn. My body was broken in so many ways. I loved everyone with my heart and soul. I was just too sick to do anything about it. I wanted to hug my crying friends, to befriend every cute animal I met, and to dance in the rain.

I couldn't…..I couldn't smile.

All I could do was cry.

I never cried in the past, but I was crying now. I think this disease was killing me.

_**Being a good person and being glad you are a good person is the best gift of all…**_

Depression was a black hole. Black holes were powerful. They could suck things in faster than the speed of light. They could crush and bend things so easily. Anything that fell into them wasn't getting out.

That's exactly how I felt!

I hated being sad all the time. I hated feeling so angry. I didn't want people to know about my problems so I acted as happy as I could. I tried to avoid talking about the sinking sadness that plagued me.

I just didn't want people to know what I was facing.

_**There was light within the darkness….**_

I felt like the sun was setting on my life. I felt like there was no more hope for me. I felt like things were never going to get better.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to die.

I wanted to hide myself away. The sun had set on hope.

This is what the disease tricked me into believing.

_**He's slow to anger and won't let anger live.**_

The emptiness was painful. People who didn't experience that didn't know. They didn't know that it hurt so much. They didn't know that it ate my heart away.

I never wanted to open my mouth about how I really felt.

It was just too painful.

_**Anxiety hurts…but love from the right person can heal.**_

Death was a loaded word. Whenever I spoke it people got scared. It was as if they thought I was the undead. I was a zombie, not a person.

I hated it so much. I was a special person. I had a lot of great qualities.

People hated it when I told them I wanted to die.

I was labeled…maimed. I hated it so much.

_**Faith comes from him…**_

The minute Rinoa came into the room I knew it was going to be bad. Rinoa was my best friend but sometimes I felt she just didn't understand how I felt.

"Hey Selphie," she cheeped. "Are you coming to dinner with us?"

Dinner was the last thing from my mind. "I don't know," I said plainly. "I'm tired….I'm going to eat in my room."

Her face fell. She was disappointed. It wasn't my fault. I didn't mean to disappoint her. It was just something that happened. I don't mean to be the way I am.

_**Everyone who asks eventually receives and everyone who seeks finds….eventually…..**_

She left the room. I heard a muffled conversation coming from behind the door.

"I tried to make her go," Rinoa's voice could be heard.

She was trying to force me to get out of bed. She thought she was being nice, but she was just being smothering and too nice. Forcing me to go wasn't going to help me. I had to help myself.

_**I have stored it in my heart…now I have to try not to hurt….**_

I stared at myself in the mirror. I was Selphie Tilmitt. I was a happy person. There was a future out there for me. I was a good person. I was loved.

I just needed to remember that.

_**Trust in him forever, for the lord, the lord, is the rock eternal.**_

I was starting to cry. Oh, I hated crying. It made me feel so weak. People who cried I was told were weak. Well I was crying now. Did that mean I was weak?

I didn't want to go to dinner with my friends. I didn't want to do anything. I just didn't feel like it. I felt like a bad person for feeling this way but it was the way I felt. I couldn't help it, I just felt that way.

Rinoa wouldn't have let me live it down. She was a good person. Well she was a person who thought she was doing good. She really wasn't; she was being a pain.

Sick people didn't want to be harassed. Sick people wanted to be left alone.

_**So in his name you are all children through faith…**_

A lot of life was black and white. Some people were nice. Other people were mean. Good friends were nice. Bad friends were mean.

I put people in different categories. I didn't really trust easily. I looked warm and cuddly. And I was a warm person. But I had a different side to me, a dark side. Everyone had one. Mine was very dark.

I liked to rate people as good or bad. When people let me down I distanced myself from them. I used to be really sensitive. Now all the insults bounced off me. In fact, it didn't bother me what people said or did.

The one great thing about pain was that it made you stronger. And once you were stronger, you just didn't care.

_**As a woman thinks in her heart, so is she…**_

I decided it was time to go to dinner. It was such a long hallway to the dining hall. I could still hear the rain drops on the roof of the school. I looked out the window. All the rain was seeping down the glass.

There was some condensation on the window. I put my fingers on the glass and made a smiley face.

I wished I was happy right now. Happy wasn't a mood, it was who I was. I was positive. I always knew someone would help me in the end. I wasn't going to give up yet!

_**A wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances this might, for by wise guidance you can wage your war and in abundance of counselors there is victory…**_

I really wanted to win this war. I didn't want the depression to beat me. There was no way I was going to let awful entity control me.

All I wanted was to be happy again. I never wanted to give up!

_**And his grace came from the faith given to us by his son.**_

This depression made me so restless. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't think. I wanted to keep pacing back and forth until things made sense again.

Would that day ever come?

_**Those he loved he rebuked and disciplined. We must be earnest and repent.**_

As I neared the dining hall I knew what had to happen. I had to find the truth. Why was I so sad? What was making me sad? I needed to know.

Once I knew everything would be okay.

_**I stored his word in my heart and I'll never sin against you.**_

Dinner was weird. The whole time I was eating Rinoa just kept staring at me. I think she was trying to find the evidence of my madness. She wasn't going to find it.

You couldn't see madness. It was an invisible disease.

_**If you accept his words, try to understand, ask for help, treasure the love you receive, and understand fear….you will gain more than you would have imagined.**_

The whole dinner I was preoccupied. I couldn't concentrate one what everyone was saying. I couldn't concentrate on anything….

What was happening to me?

_**He gives me wisdom, intelligence and truth. He's my shield when I'm weak.**_

My eyes were dead.

Not literally dead

I could still see. But it wasn't like regular seeing. Most people saw things and knew they were seeing things. I saw and I just didn't care.

That was what this disease was doing to me.

It was making it so I couldn't see.

_**He guards the course of the just and protects the way of the faithful.**_

I always secretly asked myself this question. What would happen if I died? Would everyone be better off? What was there to gain from committing suicide?

I knew it was horrible to say this, but it was something I thought about. What would happen?

Would I be okay?

_**The true light that gave light to everyone was coming into the world…**_

"Selphie, do you wanna go shopping?" Rinoa asked me quietly. She was lowering her voice, like a person would if you had a bad headache. I didn't have a headache, I was just tired. I wanted to go back to bed and sleep.

"Sure, I guess," I agreed because I didn't want to hurt Rinoa's feelings. I agreed because I wanted to be a good friend. Friends do a lot of things for each other. I sacrificed a lot for Rinoa. I only hoped she would do the same for me in the end.

_**O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you. My soul thirsts for you…my body begs for you…in a dry and weary land where there is no water.**_

Even though I agreed to go I was still having second thoughts. Did I really want to go? Was it worth it? Was Rinoa going to probe me with more questions about my mental state? I didn't want to answer those questions anymore.

She was a good friend, but I really wanted to be alone sometimes.

_**Let us love one another for love comes from him. Everyone who loves has been born of him and knows him. **_

There was an expression I heard a long time ago. I had no idea why it was coming into my head now.

"You're never fully dressed without a smile…"

I didn't understand. Why was I thinking this? I didn't understand.

It was a horrible thing to accept, but people who smiled weren't always happy. Sometimes they wanted to lie to the world and blend into society.

I was a person who smiled all the time. And I wasn't the happiest person in the world.

Sometimes….facial expressions can lie.

_**The spirit bears witness to itself. We are his children. We own what he owns. We suffer with him. We will be healed together.**_

The car ride was awkward to say the least. I could tell Rinoa was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It made me so uncomfortable.

"So I noticed you've been kind of out of it for the past few days," she began. "What's up?"

I giggled at the question. "What makes you think something is up?"

Rinoa playfully rolled her eyes. "You've been quiet for a few days. You….quiet! I mean, it was just out of character, you know?"

I laughed. "You're worrying for nothing. I'd let you know if something was wrong."

She smiled warmly. "Ok, thanks."

This was going to be the start of a breakage.

_**He has forgiven you. Therefore be like him. Care about other people and sacrifice like he did for you. **_

Everyone needed something to believe in. I believed in love. I loved Irvine with all my heart. He was a good man. Although, I wondered how much he loved me.

It was something everyone worried about. People wanted to know if they were being cheated on. It was a fact of life. I didn't want to have faith in a lost cause.

Love was such a double-edged emotion. On one hand, the way you felt about the person you loved was amazing. No other feeling in the world could top that feeling. And on the other hand, betrayal felt like your heart was being ripped out.

You never saw that in a valentine.

_**Bless him and don't forget all the wonderful things he has done. In the end, the disease will heal and redemption will be found.**_

Sometimes I really hated myself. I wasn't sure why, but I really hated myself.

It was something that happened when you were depressed.

Sometimes I thought it was my entire fault that I felt this way.

_**As long as the earth endures, you will too.**_

Friendship was a double-edged sword well. Rinoa was my best friend. But sometimes I just wished she wasn't.

_**Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is his purpose that prevails….**_

My world felt like a death tunnel. It was dark and there seemed to be no way out. I was in the car with my best friend, who had no idea the level of pain I was in. If only I could tell her without judgment.

She was with me always, but I felt even more alone in her company. I couldn't get away from her because she always tried to find me.

Her persistence in having my friendship terrified me. I had never experienced someone loving me so deeply that they would chase me across the world to be with me. It was hard to deal with on top of the pain.

"Selphie?" Rinoa's voice seemed to echo like she was far away. I blinked and got myself out of the trance.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"You weren't answering me; you just kept staring at the window. Are you okay?"

I laughed it off. "I'm fine."

"Okay…."

She pulled off to the side of the road. We parked in Balamb. I felt a chill go down my neck.

"Let's go here," she suggested.

I smiled. "Okay."

I may have been depressed but I never wanted to stop living.

_**Above all you must understand that no prophecy of scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation of things.**_

We walked for a long time. Rinoa gently patted me on the shoulders. "It's going to be okay," she assured me.

If she really knew how I felt, she wouldn't be saying that. Depression just didn't go away. It was something that you had to fight.

It NEVER went away on its own. You HAD to FIGHT!

_**Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, know and the door will be opened to you.**_

"I've noticed you've been gaining weight," Rinoa pointed out.

"Everyone gets fat," I explained

"Yeah but not you; you always used to take care of your body!"

Maybe it was my turn. I wasn't myself and I wanted to stop feeling sad, but I didn't want Rinoa to drill me until I died!

_**The wisdom of the prudent is to discern his way, but the folly of fools is deceiving. Fools mock at the guilt of offering, but the upright enjoy acceptance.**_

Rinoa kept staring at me like I was crazy.

"Seriously, be honest," she begged. "What's going on with you?"

"I'm depressed."

"But why, why are you depressed?"

"I think it finally sunk in that I killed people."

_**Then I will ever sing praise to your name and fulfill my vow day after day.**_

"Selphie, it wasn't your fault. You were just doing what you were ordered to do," she yelled.

I shook my head. "No, it's my entire fault. They're dead because of me!"

_**Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaints and moan, and he hears my voice.**_

"You can't blame yourself for that!" Rinoa argued.

It was weird; I knew it wasn't my fault, but I still felt guilty.

_**My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him…**_

"What do you want me to do?" I asked tenuously.

_**How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity…**_

"Get help," Rinoa suggested.

_**God is spirit, and his worshippers must worship in the spirit and in truth…**_

"How do I do that?" I gasped.

_**In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we love God, but that he loved us and sent his son to be the satisfaction for our sins…**_

"Go to the doctor. I'll even go with you."

_**It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife…**_

"You care about me that much?"

_**Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred…**_

"Selphie I would do anything for you."


End file.
